Are You Shoulding Yourself?

Hello and Happy 2020! I want to spend today's blog exploring "shoulds". People constantly use the word should in every day life, probably multiple times an hour. I should get this work/homework done, I should eat healthier, I should go to the gym, I should call my grandma, I should take the dog for a walk, I should be nicer to my mom. I should save money. I shouldn't have said that to my boss. I shouldn't have yelled at my partner/kids. I shouldn't have skipped the gym this morning. I shouldn't have spent that money last week.

Sound familiar?

Shoulds create resistance. So as soon as we "should ourselves", our brain is already creating defenses. It actually makes us resistant and creates anxiety regarding the statement you just made.  Shoulds are also a cognitive distortion- which is just a fancy term for thinking that is negative or inaccurate, and they usually lead us to feel badly.   

Another interesting fact about our brain and shoulds- our brain is constantly searching our environment for threats to keep us safe. And it is searching for threats in 4 different categories, 1 of those categories being "shoulds". So as soon as we (or someone else) "shoulds" us, our brain identifies that "should" as a threat and starts to get defensive. And once we start to feel defensive about something, the less likely we are to go do that thing. 

So we know that "shoulding" ourselves (and others) isn't helpful, but what do we do about it?

The first step is catching when it happens. When you are using the word "should" towards yourself or towards someone else. After we catch it, then it is a matter of rewording. We want to reword it as something that is helpful and accurate. I like to use "I need..." or "I want..." or "I am going to..." when rewording a "should" statement.

So for example:

"I should get this work done" can be "I need to get this work done" and then my brain more easily goes into problem solving and time management of when to get it done. 

"When you remove the should, and you just let yourself be a little more free from all of that critical evaluation and pressure you put on yourself that is so arbitrary, you not only enjoy life more, you actually create more ways of connecting with other people and showing them something new, too."- Kara Loewentheil

I hope this information helps to shift your language so you can "should" yourself less!

Thanks for reading and being in connection with me,

Steph