Have You Experienced Gaslighting or Reactive Abuse?

Hello! I hope 2020 is treating you well! I wanted to give some information today on gaslighting and reactive abuse. Most people have never heard these terms, yet many people have experienced them. 

Gaslighting is a common technique abusers use in relationships. It is used to make the victim question their own reality or sanity. It is usually a slowly progressing tactic, so most people don't realize it is occurring. There are several types of ways people are gaslighted, but I will provide examples of just a few. 

1. Blatant lying or denying something happened even if you have proof

2. Attacking things that are important to you. They make you feel like those things are not important or you would be better without those things. 

3. They say one thing, but do another. 

4. They purposefully try to confuse you. One main way of doing this is to belittle you, but then compliment you on something else. Or they may minimize an issue that is actually a big issue.

5. They try to isolate you by telling you that other people think you are crazy (and they might even tell you or others that you are crazy). They make you question your own judgement by telling you that other people are lying to you.

Reactive abuse is what happens when a victim lashes out towards the abuser because of the abuse they are experiencing. It occurs when abusers shift blame from themselves onto the victim. Abusers rarely take any accountability, and instead find something you did "wrong" to either shift the focus, or make justifications for their bad behavior. The abuser may even tell you that you are over-reacting or being dramatic. This can cause the victim to lash out (reactive abuse) which then is "proof" that you (the victim) are crazy and unstable. Often times, abusers will use these events as their "proof" for a long time, and create an environment of shame for the victim to live in.

So what do we do if this is happening? Abusers count on the victim to react negatively, so 1 way to take power back is to take a step back when something happens. React out of logic, not emotion- this can throw the abuser off. Another way to help is talking with friends or family who support you and won't minimize or question the legitimacy of what you are saying. Getting professional support can also help victims feel empowered to make decisions to help keep them safe. 

Thanks for reading and being in connection with me,

Steph