One Of My Favorite Things...

Hello again and Happy Fall! The last couple of months I have been writing about attachment styles. And one key part (and a favorite of mine) is boundaries. But what are boundaries?

Most often, people think of boundaries as physical limits. Fences in yards create boundaries, rivers between states are boundaries, even giving people a few feet of space when you are next to them in a store is a boundary. But what about emotional boundaries? Emotional boundaries are the ones we use in relationships.

Emotional boundaries can be defined as...

1) How emotionally close you allow others to get to you.

2) Limits we set with others so we know when something needs to change or we need to walk away.

3) Markers to determine if someone respects us or not.

Often, people think of emotional boundaries as saying "yes" or "no" to something. But emotional boundaries also include things like "it is not my responsibility to make others feel ok about my decisions".

For example, while it is your responsibility to clearly communicate your feelings and needs, it is not your responsibility to make others feel ok about your feelings and needs. An example of this might look like, "It is my responsibility to listen to my body and take some 'me time' this weekend, so I won't be getting together with friends Saturday night" but it is not your responsibility to make your friends feel ok about your decision. Healthy people will respect your boundaries and respect the choices you make for yourself.

Healthy emotional boundaries allow us to feel safe, secure, and loved in ways we want to be loved. When we have healthy boundaries, we are able to connect with our genuine feelings, wants, and needs.

Here are examples of other boundaries:

It's not my responsibility to make sure others are responsible.

It's not my job to rescue people from their drama.

It is okay if others get angry.

It's okay to say no.

It's my job to make me feel happy and figure out what brings me jo.

It's not my job to think, feel, or live for others.

I have a right to feel my feelings no matter what anyone else feels about my feelings.

No one has to agree with me.

No one has a right to verbally abuse me, and that includes family, friends, partners, and coworkers.

It’s not okay to enmesh with my thoughts, emotions, or other people.

It's okay to spend time alone without explaining myself.

I do not need permission to be who i am, think what i think, nor to honor me.

Other people have every right to not like me or disagree with me, but they do not have the right to disrespect me.

I have a right to end draining conversations and relationships.

I know i am enough.

Next time you feel confused about a boundary, remember to ask yourself "What is my responsibility?".

Here is a great podcast from Glennon Doyle on boundaries!

Thanks for reading and being in connection with me,

Steph