What Are Secure Relationships?

Welcome back ! Last month I wrote a little about insecure attachment types. This month, I want to focus on what it means to have a secure attachment style.

Secure attachment is what we innately strive for. We want to have relationships that feel safe and secure. But what does it mean to have a secure attachment?

Secure attachments are relationships that are healthy. We feel good in them, and we feel like we can trust the other person. Adults who have secure attachment patterns have long lasting relationships, and those relationships have the following in common:

1. Feeling safe in the relationship.

2. After difficult conversations, both people feel seen, heard, and understood in the relationship. If repair is needed due to an argument, the repair feels equal to the "rupture" that occurred.

3. Good communication- about day to day stuff, but even more importantly, about feelings. Secure relationships can talk about feelings in a deep, connecting way (even when you bring up feelings about how the other person's behaviors/words have hurt you). It also means you can trust that when you bring up difficult topics, you will receive a loving response (rather than being pushed away, avoided, belittled, dismissed, or other responses that add more hurt).

4. Healthy self-esteem- adults with secure attachment patterns feel good about themselves, and feel like they are worthy and deserve good in their lives.

5. They are able to trust others, and show love and affection easily.

6. Support seekers- securely attached adults (and kids) seek out support from others. They are open to sharing their feelings and getting other's ideas and guidance (rather than feeling like "I have to do it alone" or "I feel stupid, not important, etc"). Securely attached adults also enjoy intimate, deep relationships. They want meaningful relationships, rather than surface level relationships.

So how do you know if you have secure relationships? Ask yourself these questions...

Can you talk to the people in your life about how you feel and know that they will respond with support and love?

Can you ask them to help you?

Can you ask for what you need and know that they will meet your need in ways that feel good for both of you?

Do you feel seen, heard, and understood in your relationship?

Thanks for reading and being in connection with me,

Steph