Why Do You Struggle In Relationships?

Hello again! As you probably know, I work a lot with people healing from trauma. Which also means I work a lot with attachment. How we trust others (and ourselves), how we communicate our needs/feelings, relate to others, and willingness to be vulnerable are all part of attachment.

There are two categories of attachment- secure and insecure. Today, I want to focus on insecure attachment types and communication. (I am not going to talk about secure attachment in this email, but secure attachment is the attachment style that is healthiest for our relationships. Secure attachments make us feel important, loved, supported, and prioritize how we feel.)

Insecure attachment has 4 subsets- avoidant, anxious, ambivalent, and disorganized. Each of the 4 subsets of insecure attachment have different beliefs about their needs/feelings, which affects their communication. Do you notice if any of these are true for you?

Avoidant- this kind of person avoids talking about how they feel and what they need from others. They have learned that they have to "do it alone" and can't trust others to be reliable or consistent. This person will also avoid talking about others' feelings.

Anxious- this person is known as the "people pleaser". They also don't communicate their needs/feelings with others, but it is because they don't want to be a burden. Anxious attachment types want to keep their relationships calm, which to them means not expressing themselves because they might "rock the boat".

Ambivalent- do you expect others to know what you are thinking/wanting? And then get upset when that thing doesn't happen? Ambivalent attachment styles often vacillate between really enjoying their relationship, but when one small thing happens, they think they are no longer loved/important/etc, and will consider leaving the relationship (or they actually do leave the relationship).

Disorganized- this person craves closeness so they want to be in a relationship, but they also fear rejection which causes them to push people away. This can look a couple different ways- 1) the controlling style- anger can be a quick emotional response, and can include aggressive and unpredictable behaviors, or 2) victim style- someone who stays in abusive relationships, often because they don't want to be alone, and are very passive. They tolerate bad behaviors from others because they don't feel like they can advocate for themselves.

Attachment types are very complex, so the above statements are just quick looks into what each type might look like. But knowing what kind of attachment style you might have is helpful in understanding your relationships and how you feel. You might also notice that you are one way with certain people, and another way with others. You may even notice feeling really secure in a relationship or two (that's great!). Being aware of our attachment style helps to conceptualize problems in our relationships, and find helpful ways to communicate with one other.

If you want to read more on attachment styles and relationships, I recommend Attached or How We Love.

Thanks for reading and being in connection with me,

Steph